It’s one of the hardest and most confusing questions many people in abusive relationships face: “Why do I still love them, even though they hurt me?” The truth is, love doesn’t vanish the moment abuse begins. Emotional attachment, trauma bonding, and hope for change can all keep you tied to someone who causes you pain. Understanding this conflict is the first step toward healing — and toward learning what real love should feel like.
1. Love and Abuse Are Emotionally Entangled
Abuse rarely starts at the beginning of a relationship. Most abusers begin by being charming, affectionate, and attentive. They create a sense of safety, admiration, and emotional dependence before slowly introducing control, criticism, or violence. Your mind clings to those early memories — the warmth and affection — even when things turn dark.
You might keep waiting for the person you fell in love with to come back, believing the abuse is just a “phase.” This emotional confusion is natural but dangerous, because it keeps you trapped in a cycle of pain and hope.
2. Trauma Bonding: The Psychological Trap
When abuse and affection alternate, your brain forms what’s called a trauma bond — a powerful emotional attachment reinforced by cycles of reward and punishment. After every painful episode, the abuser often apologizes, becomes tender, and promises to change. That brief affection floods your body with relief and oxytocin, making you believe the love is real again.
This repeated pattern conditions you emotionally, much like addiction. You become bonded not to the abuse, but to the hope that the abuse will stop — to the illusion that your love can heal them.
3. Fear and Dependency Keep You Bound
Abusive partners often isolate their victims — cutting them off from friends, family, or financial independence. Over time, fear replaces freedom. You might think, “Where will I go?”, “How will I survive?”, or “No one else will love me.” These fears are exactly what abusers want you to feel, because they reinforce their control.
Love under these conditions becomes survival — not choice. You may still love them because your emotional, psychological, or financial safety feels tied to their approval.
4. Hope for Change and Self-Blame
Many survivors stay because they believe the abuser can change with enough love or patience. You might focus on their good moments, or on their pain and past trauma, believing they need you. Sometimes, the abuser even blames you — saying you “made them angry” — and you start to believe it. This cycle of hope, guilt, and forgiveness keeps the emotional bond alive, even as your self-worth erodes.
But remember: genuine love cannot coexist with fear or harm. Real love nurtures growth and safety — it never demands that you suffer to prove it.
5. Healing Begins With Awareness
If you still love someone who hurts you, you’re not weak — you’re human. Your emotions don’t make you foolish; they make you compassionate. However, compassion shouldn’t cost your peace or safety. Healing begins when you separate love from loyalty and understand that it’s possible to care for someone while still choosing yourself.
Therapy, support groups, and professional counselling can help you break trauma bonds and rebuild your self-esteem. Gradually, as you reconnect with your own worth, you begin to see love for what it truly is — mutual respect, kindness, and safety.
6. You Deserve a Love That Doesn’t Hurt
Real love doesn’t leave bruises — it leaves you stronger, calmer, and more alive. You don’t have to hate your abuser to walk away; you just need to love yourself more. Healing may take time, but every step you take toward freedom is proof that your heart is learning to choose peace over pain.
